there should be nothing positive whatsoever about one or both parties in a marriage heading off with a lover. and yet, there are – perhaps strangely – a few ways in which an affair might contribute to the growth and stability of a union. we know a lot about how can guilt can torment us; we know less about how it may motivate us to be kinder. we may have to wait until we feel very bad indeed to start to do a bit of genuine good. we can come to see that a lot of what we were seeking within an affair could, if only we remembered to practice certain moves, be available in the marriage.
it may be them in particular we make love to, but it’s sex in general they have given us an appetite for. an affair puts our vagabond romantic imaginations usefully to the test; it challenges our unfair, sentimental suspicions that the pain and melancholy we sometimes feel is specifically the fault of our partner, rather than a general feature of existence. that all relationships are complicated and in certain ways unsatisfying may be the wisest lesson that we can pull out of the burning troubled embers of an affair. instead of feeling that we have no option but to remain in our oppressive relationship, the affair gives us the opportunity to fully explore the idea that we could truly be with someone else. the conclusion that we want to remain functions like a renewal of vows. insofar as there could ever be a fruitful kind of cheating, it would be the sort that – without causing too much chaos or pain to all those involved – would quietly instruct us in one or two ways in which we could, once the affair is over, go on to have a slightly more successful and serene monogamous life.
it says affairs can help a marriage and that those who stray should never admit it because the truth can cause even more damage. we all agree that infidelity is a mistake. kirshenbaum, clinical director of the chestnut hill institute, a centre for relationship therapy and research in boston, massachusetts, admits that infidelity is a controversial topic to address sympathetically. ‘but these people are suffering terribly and need to be relieved of their sense of guilt and shame because those emotions are paralysing,’ she said. ‘sometimes an affair can be the best way for the person who has been unfaithful to get the information and impetus to change,’ she said. if your marriage is in cardiac arrest, an affair can be a defibrillator.’
to help people decide whether their infidelity should spell the end of their marriage, she lists a few that she believes do indicate the relationship is over – and those that do not. kirshenbaum is adamant that an adulterer must never confess – not even if their partner asks directly. if you care that much about honesty, figure out who you want to be with, commit to that relationship and devote the rest of your life to making it the most honest relationship you can,’ she said. ‘if you’re having an affair and you haven’t practised safe sex, you have to tell,’ she said. another reason for not telling is that it makes it far more difficult for a remorseful adulterer to return to the fold. it gets us out of misery-making marriages and we have a chance of finding happiness somewhere else.’
how can an affair help a marriage? it sounds naturally rather paradoxical. affairs are the enemies of marriages. they are what destroy established couples. a controversial self-help book for married philanderers claims most adulterers are good, kind people. it says affairs can help a marriage do affairs in some marriages work? one wife accredits her marriage’s longevity to a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” rule., cheating on my husband saved my marriage, 3 types of men have affairs, how are most affairs discovered, how are most affairs discovered, successful extramarital affairs.
nowadays, some therapists believe there are times when an affair can rescue a marriage or relationship and even make it stronger. starting to understand how an affair happened can provide clarity and give answers to the many questions a couple may feel are still unanswered. sawmya tewari agrees that extramarital affairs can bring positivity to one’s married life cause you to appreciate your spouse more. she said, “ 1. it boosts your confidence 2. you will be able to revive your marriage 3. it can help few marital problems cause as much heartache and devastation as infidelity, which undermines the foundation of marriage itself. however, when both spouses, extramarital affairs, 10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity, when affairs turn to love, advantages and disadvantages of adultery.
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