for the price of a single lunch out, you can help save us. recently, i had a first date with a brilliant woman i perceived to be masculine of center, but i was fairly confident she didn’t identify as butch. a tired criticism of butch–femme is that it tries to mimic a patriarchal relationship structure, with a powerful male figure, and a submissive female figure. and if i sometimes choose to take a submissive role in a sexual situation, it’s to serve my own pleasure, not to give up my power.
i want my partner to be strong and a gentleman, but that’s not a role. i take pleasure in breaking the expectations of what a femme can do and be. i love butch–femme and the particular dynamic that exists when two people feel firmly rooted in whatever gender identity the desire, even when they are interconnected in a dance of complementary opposites. the divine feminine in me likes to see the divine masculine in my partner – and it is both a spiritual and sexual connection that cannot be denied.
just from your overly-aggressive comment, i have a feeling there are other reasons that “many butches [read: you] prefer to be along as they get older”. and then i take it a step further, and i realize there are certain “feminine”-identified ways of being that i almost instinctively (due to socialization) display in a relationship that i slightly hold in contempt in myself. and the answer to that is that, of course, in a culture like ours, masculinity is more than capable of harboring a deep resentment towards that which it craves. i was trying to be direct, honest and to the point of what i am interested in finding as a partner. there is nothing in this post that speaks of inherently trying to work at a relationship and show the dynamics of butch-femme relationships, just a bunch of whiney-spoiled-femme malarkey. but i also liked this article because i am still hurting because of my ex, (the first butch i ever dated) and there are a lot of questions i have about her behavior during the time we were dating that will probably never be answered, and it seems like i’m not the only femme to have dealt with a lot of them. i am certain that the 180 she pulled had nothing to do with her very feminine presentation, but now…. i’m afraid of the femmes again! just that it is our greatest weakness and takes a lot of learning to get over. my butch spouse and i have had discussions about the work thing, she tends to want to put the job ahead of me. that would be like forcing myself to be with a man because society says i should, when in my heart, i’m not attracted to men. i have to work twice as hard as a female to be taken seriously, and i have to work twice as hard as that to protect myself in a system that doesn’t value my gender. that wasn’t what i was looking for or attracted to and so the relationship failed. and as i said, the rest of the post is awesome. i appreciate the desire to find a mate that suits you and fulfills you on every level, be it emotional, physical, spiritual and so on. i would challenge you to redefine how you perceive butch identities and the way that you interact with butch identified individuals. “i have no problem with this list as long as it’s sort of a personal manifesto for the author’s relationship preferences…” k. so this is what i was trying to say in my earlier comment. i interpreted it as: the author is being hyperbolic to make a point. maybe the title of the piece is a bigger problem than the post itself, as it implies that butches’ failures to live up to her expectations is about something larger than her own preferences and frustrations.
i think one of the biggest mistakes anyone can make in a relationship is to pigeon hole a partner/spouse because it limits both people’s ability to grow, change, and surprise. i love making her smile and i love the fact that she relys on me for certain things but would also find it fun to change oil or get dirty right along with me. i do agree that showing feelings is a good thing u don’t want her to think i’m like a guy all the time for the reasons u pointed out . however i could not possibly address every combination of gender or identity or even relationship issues in a 5 point post and the personal attacks that have come as a result are uncalled for. the only part of this post intended to be taken as “my personal manifesto” is #5 in which i state that we all should be and embrace the people that we are and share them honestly with the people in our lives so that we can live our lives to the fullest with people who appreciate us for who we are. that i was writing this list because of a reactionary feeling based on the original post, which triggered something in me that i did not like. most of the femmes i’ve dated, have relied on my income, not vice versa, and i don’t like to be a braggart, but someone has to step up to the stereotype that you introduced, that butch women aren’t up to earning their own keep. i think whatever type of relationship you are in this holds true and it was a valid point to make. i say, be yourself and attract to who you can riff with. other than that, the fun of being a lesbian is that you can pick and choose which gender roles you wanna fill. i myself don’t really like to see other butch who act too much like real dudes (i’ve seen a bunch of them in one place and they started fighting like dudes, that was a real mess). it may sound kind of weird, but i tend to not like the way feminine women are physically desired.” i want to comment on the butch being a loser and keep losing jobs after they are in a steady relationship. is it because i am a butch looking woman and the management (males) like to pick me ? she is simply speaking the truth about the elements that bring magic and joy to a butch-femme relationship (and from her own experience, though as a femme i’d have to agree with most of it). but if people are looking for guidance re: what makes a butch or a femme turn the other on and have a stable but exciting relationship, take some of the femme words to heart. i can handle all the butch jobs, i can stand up for my girl and i can jump into a fight and break it up but i am very sentimental. i am a stud who has dated many women and the two women i thought i was going to be with forever and i was convinced loved me ended up tearing me completely apart. i was too good for them way better than they ever deserved and for that i get used like a tampon and thrown in the trash to then be called nothing but the worst?!
reentering the dating universe can be a little bumpy, as most anyone can tell you. first, you have to negotiate what you want and need your heart can’t fully be given to someone else. be honest with yourself and the person you’re trying to date. if you want kids and won’t be so be the pursuer, ask her out and plan the date. practice good grooming, shower and make sure to smell great (this doesn’t mean overpowering)!, .
are they more sexually dominant than you? are they comfortable strapping on or gloving up? are they more experienced in relationships than you? i’ve thoroughly enjoyed showing her the ways of lesbian love-making and judging by her recent renouncement of men, the enjoyment is mutual. to date, our sexual they don’t (for the most part) actually want to be men. if anything, the butch-femme dynamic challenges heterosexual relationship/gender models., .
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